God, what an election. Only fifty days? It seems like an eternity in purgatory. I’ve hated every moment. Vile abuse from trolls on all sides, coupled with debilitating incompetence. It’s a little late in the day to chain the awful Diane Abbott to the bedpost in the attic like a mad and incontinent aunt. The damage has been done. She has been found out as serially dim, arrogant and even unfitted to be in a bathroom cabinet. And let’s be balanced. Karen Bradley’s interview with Piers Morgan was cringeworthy. You underestimate Piers at your peril. He can be as much of an attack dog as Andrew Neil. Both had brilliant elections. My favourite comment from Andrew was to Tim Farron. ’You’re a populist but not very popular.’ And poor old Tim. I rather like him. A decent enough fellow, but somehow he came over as a cross between a Sunday school teacher and an under fifteen football team manager. However, I just don’t believe the polls. I have a bottle of champagne on the Lib Dems will gaining a few seats.

So what will happen tomorrow? Tricky one. I’d be amazed if Madame didn’t win. But I hope it’s a working majority and that the Tory benches are not stuffed full of yapping, nodding dogs who would kill, cook and eat their grannies for a job. Brexit is going to be bloody difficult. So we want enquiring minds challenging the executive to get the best possible deal for us. I won’t hold my breath.

So who are the winners and losers? Amber Rudd (would she let Bojo drive her home now?) has had a good war. I don’t quite buy that she will be a shoe in for Chancellor just yet, but she is going to be a powerful figure. Good. She is one of the few members of Cabinet with emotional intelligence. Hammond has pissed off the gruesome twosome, so if it’s a working majority he will be off. Boris is the tricky one. If she has a good majority she can offer him Leader of the House which he would turn down. But madame’s position will not be as strong as it was. Is it worth the risk of having him with time on his hands when the wheels fall off the Brexit negotiations? I suspect he will hang on. Just. Truss? Dead meat. Bradley? Might survive. But what’s the point? Loathesome? Dead meat. Fox? Will probably hang on. Not as bad as he is billed. And the big beasts? Rudd, Davis, Damian Green, Fallon. And watch out for Gummer. As bright as a button. Hunt? A good man who will be probably be given something else. The others? I really don’t care, with the exception of David Liddington. He might just get a promotion. His problem is that he is far too sensible and pragmatic.

So the result? Mmm. Tricky. My instincts are a Tory majority of between forty and seventy. We will see. And if it’s Corbyn? Well, I will expect a knock on the door at 5am on Saturday with a warrant for my arrest signed by John McDonnell ordering me to appear before the People’s court, trial and summary execution.