“Look, any fool knows that all this fake news about Bozo has been dreamt up by that infamous gossip and muckraker the potty mouthed Theresa May. This poor guy has been wickedly maligned by the Number 10 rubbish machine. He may be a terrible old flirt, but come on…….would he put his family life and political career on hold for a shag; or two? And if it is true? Well, this is twenty first century Britain. Who cares. Bozo is the only man with the leadership, ability and sheer charisma to lead us to victory. The remainers are fanatics. Mad. Deluded. They want to betray the largest popular vote of all time”. Well, that’s what the Boristas seem to think.
The truth of the matter is that ‘the dirty dossier’ is nothing more than a set of press cuttings, quotes and general gossip that it well known to anyone in Fleet Street with a vague interest in politics. To suggest that Downing Street has mounted a smear campaign is daft. They don’t need to. Most people know what he has been up to. Some care very deeply one way or the other. Others don’t give a monkeys.
Let me expose the myth that senior politicians smear their opponents about their sordid sex lives. There is a deep seated horror of doing this for a whole raft of reasons. But the the most powerful one is that there is a queasiness about exposing private matters because of the fear of retaliation. Everyone has skeletons in their cupboard. I suspect that Madame might just be the exception here. Somehow I can’t picture her as a youth supplying wraps of coke and giving blow jobs behind the bike shed for a tenner. I suspect running through a wheat field is about as much titivation as the press will get. I can remember casually remarking to a chum who was running a leadership campaign about a delightfully sordid piece of gossip concerning a contender. He went as white as a sheet. “For God’s sake don’t repeat that to anyone, it’ll spread like wildfire and then he’ll think it’s come from us”. I kept my mouth shut.
So let’s be real about all of this. To many people Bozo’s dalliances make him cut a colourful figure. The blonde bombshell headlines will soon disappear. I doubt whether there will be any kiss and tell. Yet it is unlikely that there will be a leadership election this side of April simply because it won’t settle anything. And even when it comes, MPs, apart from the die hard Boristas like Mad Nad, won’t put him on the ballot. So his bid will be dead in the water. What will really kill him is incompetence. He is not up to the job. Or any job involving hard work and judgment. The most dangerous and chilling words came from a tweet by Sir Alan Duncan once his deputy at the Foreign Office. Soon he will spill the beans which will be far more explosive that the Heinz variety. My bet is that he will write a devastating hatchet job just before party conference.
Bozo may be down but he is by no means out. The Boristas want to cause trouble. The Chuck Chequers campaign is dangerous. The party faithful could be persuaded to put pressure on their spineless MPs to vote against it. Stupid, unrealistic and dangerous. But it is possible.
But we have had a glimpse of the alternative. The inhabitants of planet ERG have produced their own blueprint. Last week they put it about that they weren’t going to publish it because it would give ammunition to Number 10. They are right. It is so bonkers that not even Bozo could stomach. Task forces to protect the Falklands, a Star Wars shield to protect us from attack. And much, much more. I can’t wait to read it next week.
But Boristas beware, the small but perfectly formed Alan Duncan is sharpening his very large chopper.