There is a great deal of miffery down in the snug at the Farage Arms. It’s bad enough having bloody (pardon my French) traitors trying to sabotage the will of the people, Johnny Frog sticking two fingers up to the British roaring lion, but this business with Boris really is the last straw. The ultimate betrayal. Colonel Mad and his lady wife Chclamydia are seriously considering the nuclear option of cancelling their annual cheese and wine Tory fund raiser at their bijou baronial home Dun Thinkin.
“It’s a terrible business Clammy,” mutters the colonel swigging back the last of his eighth sundowner.
“Boris is a fine young man. Honest, trustworthy. A man of his word. A family man. The sort of chap you can rely on. The sort that can lead Blighty back to greatness. And what’s he done wrong? He just says what most of us think. Now don’t get me wrong. Some of these darkies are perfectly fine. That chap Raj and his missus where we get our papers from? Polite. Hardworking. Know their place. They’re Indian of course. Damn good fighters. But some of the others? Dear God the towel heads are a nightmare. See one with a rucksack on a train? Mark my word you run for the hills. And their wives? Poor things. And they do look like letter boxes don’t they? Who knows, there could be bank robbers under all that clobber. The worst of it is it’s just not British. Well, English really. I don’t like to get bunched in with those bloody Scotch and Welsh whingers.
The thing about Boris is that he speaks our language. Calls a spade a shovel. Pulls no punches. None of this pinko political correctness. So they’re all out to get him. The lot of them. Big business. The Jews. Remainers. Well, they’re all the same aren’t they? If they had their way we’d have the krauts on the Mall in no time and we would be dancing to Juncker’s tunes. God, the Belgians are ghastly specimens. Fat, sweaty, bald. Reek of garlic.
It’s a bloody disgrace the way Boris is being treated. What happened to free speech? And what about Mr Mogg? Wonderful man. A proper English gentleman. The country needs men’s like these. Do you know in these desperate times a benign dictatorship would be no bad thing. Bring back national service, public flogging and of course the rope. The country’s gone soft”.

I would imagine monologues like that are happening in every pub and club in the land. What’s more it’s what Bozo wanted. It’s what he craves. He is once again the centre of attention.

What is so weird about it all is that everything is looked at, debated and decided, through the prism of Brexit. Brexiteers can do or say no wrong. They are true Brits. Plucky, outspoken and men of principle. Remainers are ghastly elitist mutineers hell bent on defeating the will of the British people. Can you imagine Mogg, Dorries, Brigden or any other member of Brexit’s barmy army coming out in support of Ken Clarke if he had written what Boris has? Don’t be daft. It wouldn’t happen.

Brexiteers have a free pass to do and say as they want. There is nothing to forgive. It’s a disgrace that May has the temerity to ask the old pretender to apologise. Mogg had the nerve to say that she has no right to discipline back benchers. Really? Quite bonkers. No surprises there then.

And now it is the turn of the amiable Brandon Lewis to receive the abuse for even considering having an Inquiry. What a wicked man.

My advice is don’t give in to these people. There must be due process. And obviously it’s only fair as we are in recess to let it begin when everyone returns. And these things take time.

There is also a blindingly obvious political point here. Labour is tearing itself apart for becoming anti Semitic apologists. Don’t let the Tories tear itself apart for being apologists for Islamophobia. Not a good idea to jump from the moral high ground into the Corbyn sewer.

What Bozo wrote wasn’t a hate crime. But it was designed to offend. And it succeeded. I don’t buy this guff that it was just some careless remarks whilst being late for a deadline. Nor the nonsense that it was brave to open the debate of the Burka. We had that years ago. The consensus is we don’t much like it, but as we live in a free country people can wear pretty much what they want provided they don’t interfere with the course of justice. And I don’t need to write two thousand words stating the bloody obvious. Like Bozo this was just a cunning stunt.