Soames is a national treasure make him leader of the House

22 May 2016 at 09:47

Not a day goes by without me reading a tweet or a quote from the gloriously over the top Nick Soames. It gives me a spring in my step and a song on my lips. What is so exhilarating is that he has reached that stage which politicians rarely reach; he is happy in his own skin. Which of late there is rather less of. The Commons has always been awash with bitterness and probably always will be. Meander through the bars and dining rooms and pass the rotting ship wrecks of political careers. The has beens, the no hopers, the never will bes. Most sit in corners praying for a seat on the Council of Europe, a knighthood and dream of the peerage that will never happen. But Soames sails through the lobbies oblivious of the creeps, the bores, blatherers and plotters hefted to a good lunch with agreeable company. But sometimes some worm crosses his bow and he fires a broadside. James Cleverly is the latest victim. A horribly ambitious toady to the Brexiteers who made a terrible error of judgement by damning Cameron’s renegotiation before it had even been completed. “Fuck off you cunt”, boomed Soames, no doubt trying enjoy a decent claret and a good gossip with a chum. Now Cleverly is probably dopey enough to regard this as a badge of honour, but Soames has a wonderful way of dealing with this. When a reporter (you can imagine the look of total revulsion at the arrival of this ‘vile reptile’) asked about about the incident, the withering reply was simply, ‘not sure I know anyone called Cleverly …….now bugger off.’ Joyous.

On dealing with Brexiteers he gave the dealing with an aggressive Alsatian analogy ‘kick it hard in the balls’. Although he has quite sensibly told the delusional Adam Afriyie (the chap who has been offering sacked ministers jobs in his government) to ‘Fuck off’, he has been gracious to IDS and the worst he has said about Bozo is that he is an ‘ocean going clot’. Heaven knows what his views on Penny Mordaunt’s car crash on Marr this morning. The poor thing was in denial that we have a veto on Turkish accession. What would really piss off Soames as a former soldier and defence minister would be that she as a serving defence minister is slagging off a member of NATO. And where on the Soames Fuckometer will Michael Portillo’s bizarre remarks that the government is sitting on its hands and doing nothing? I suspect that the very mention of the name would lead to a lip curling look of revulsion.

So the robust common sense of a One Nation Tory adds gaiety to a rather dull and earnest House of Commons infected with angry and obsessional backbenchers. After the referendum and a victory for REMAIN let’s give the man his last hurrah. He would be a brilliant leader of the House. Wonderful entertainment, nothing too arduous and time to slope off for a three bottler lunch. Sheer bliss.

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The one legged murderer & drug dealer from Albania & his human rights

21 May 2016 at 15:23

There is a story in the MAIL today that would have Dacre creaming in his cavalry twills and every swivel eyed Brextard fruit loop howling at the moon in in a juddering climax of pure anti Brussels joy. The story is ‘Proof that Britain’s lost its marbles…a one legged Albanian double murderer poses as a Kosovan refugee to gain UK citizenship…..he gets a four bed house and £2,000 a month benefits as he makes a fortune selling cocaine…..now he has won legal aid to fight to stay here thanks to (surprise!) the Human Rights Act."
This really is a cracker. You couldn’t make it up and I don’t think the MAIL has. But before you bonkeroons reach for the Kleenex, the great irony of it all is that when you dig a little deeper it is a shining vindication of the EU.

Albania is only a candidate member of the EU and therefore it is not signed up to the Human rights provisions enforceable by Luxenbourg. Therefore in theory they can torture its citizens to its hearts content. Well, actually they can’t as Albania is signed up to the EHCR. So there can be no misunderstanding this is the court in Strasbourg whose decisions only have to be ‘taken into account’ by each signatory’s Parliament. So torture is against the law in Albania and they can be hauled into the Strasbourg court if they break it. So irony number one is that the very court that the Eurobarmies want to take us out of is will make it easier for Peg Leg to be extradited back to Albania.

Irony number two is that although we do have an extradition treaty with Albania it could be rather protracted and costly. Technically it could take years. But if they were full members of the EU they would have to be signed up the the European Arrest warrant which is so fast track Peg Leg’s one and only foot would have hardly touched the ground before he would have been on home soil. So this story rather helps us REMAINERS. Not how it’s reported in the MAIL though.

But there are some other issues which real should concern us. Peg Leg managed to fool UK Borders that he was a Kosovan refugee. How? And how did he slip through the net? May really should order a full investigation. And if there are any lessons to learn we should get down to it. Lastly, how is it that a murderer and drug dealer can get legal aid when many decent people who are in a custody battle over their children have to fight alone without any assistance? The family courts are heaving with litigants in person. And there will be injustices.

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Porkers, pints and how Bozo defies the laws of gravitas

14 May 2016 at 12:00

I really cannot understand how the Brexiteers can get away with telling such obvious porkers. It is bordering on a national scandal. And talking of porkers I suppose I should regard it as vaguely amusing that Bozo has been relegated to touring the country in a scarlet Blunderbus whilst his supporters claim that this will reinforce his image as a serious politician. Yes, I know, I nearly wet my self just writing that. Haven’t they noticed that the Emperor is stark bollock naked? Has it ever occurred to them that he defies the laws of gravitas? Or maybe they think that posing as a Hannibal Lecter tribute with scary mask and waving a grinder is Prime Ministerial. Maybe the grinder was a subtle image to woo the gay community. Or maybe not. The moment he wrote about them as ‘tank topped bum boys’ perhaps removed him from the Pink Paper Christmas card list.

There is no doubt that Bozo has an impressive intellect, but he is just too lazy to use it. Maybe it is the old saying that the Almighty gave us enough blood to service the brain and a penis; but not necessarily at the same time has some traction here. So the circus is coming to town. Bozo flourishing a pasty. Bozo brandishing a bunch of asparagus. Bozo tossing his well licked ice cream like a medieval jousting favour to a pensioner. Bozo running naked through Whitehall with a German sausage up his bottom. Well, I made the last one up. But……..

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention Bozo’s pint pulling of tribute ale stunt. Did anyone tell him that the brewery received £50k of EU money to set up a bottling line?

Now back to the Porkers. The Blunderbus screams in big black letters that we pay £350 per week to the EU. They know that this is untrue as the Statistics Office has told them. This is based on a bogus figure relied on by Michael Gove that we shell out £18 billion per year to Brussels, which is £2 billion below what Farage and his cronies claim. So what is the plain unvarnished truth? The IFS produced figures that over the last 5 years our average payment was £12.7bn gross of which £5bn was given to farmers and other grants. Last year it was £11bn of which £5 bn we got back in grants. Why are the Brexiteers allowed to get away with such dishonesty?

And now in a state of panic they are playing the migrant card. They claim that 76 million Turks will have rights of entry to Britain. Wrong. The German deal only applies to the Shengen area. Then they suggest that migrants are taking advantage of our benefits system. Wrong. HMRC released figures showing that EU migrants account for £3.1bn of tax and receive £500m of in work benefits. Now they claim that the Living wage is a pull factor for the young migrants. Wrong. 40% of them are under 25 so it doesn’t apply.

I could destroy whole rain forests outlining every single whopper these people peddle. And anyone who dares say anything to the contrary is either biased, put up to it, or part of some elite club. The howls of outrage were deafening when Mark Carney and the MPC warned that a Brexit would result in higher unemployment and a recession. And the IMF had been ‘pressurised’ by the Treasury to warn of the dangers. Have any of them met the formidable Madame Legarde?

But I did have a brief moment of joy this week when I saw a clip of Mathew Elliott being summoned to the Treasury select committee. It is great television. Andrew Tyrie just looked at him as if he was something that he had just had the misfortune to discover on the sole of his shoe. ‘Just why did you think it was more important to fly over to meet Swiss politicians rather than give evidence to your own Parliament?’ This went on to nearly ten minutes until the smug smile of Elliott vanished into a grimace. I thought that the boy was going to be sick. And who was the blond Arian child sitting next to him who looked as if he was in urgent need of a nappy change?

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The McBride of Dracula returns. And Sir Philip Green? There are so many ways of skinning a prat

7 May 2016 at 11:30

It was pretty well all over even before Diane Abbott sang. Alright, not so much sang as came out with the ludicrous assertion that all this anti Semite stuff is all the work of embittered Blairites. This seems to be the line as it has been adopted by Momentum and Len McLuskey. Totally cloud cuckoo land of course, but Labour is now seriously off the spectrum. And no, there won’t be a leadership challenge. There never would be. The only way Corbyn will leave office is in a box. He has become the Rasputin of Labour politics. No matter what they do to him he just won’t die. Andy Burnham has come to terms that they are saddled with the man until 2020 and has given up hope by offering himself as Mayor of Manchester. He would be rather good.

But if you momentarily noticed a Gothic gloom descend over Labour and caught a few half whispered words in the ear of the press you might just have spotted the delightfully sinister figure of Damian McBride slink back into the darkness. Yes, the McBride of Dracula is back. His official role is that of spinner for Emily Thornberry. In shorthand his job is to keep her in the attic and only allow her near a television studio if she is bound, gagged and under heavy sedation. But he is the man credited with with coming up with the tried and tested canard of telling the press that Corbyn would have to go if they lost a hundred seats or more. As a strategy it was both simple and brilliant. There was no way this was going to happen and when only twenty four bit the dust Labour looks like they had done rather well against the odds, despite that they were trounced by the Tories in Scotland and massacred in the south. Ruth Davidson has become a one woman political whirlwind. She has done what I thought was the impossible. And she has halted any thought of referendum for the next five years. The SNP has reached its watershed. It will be a gradual slide down hill from now on.

But back to Mc Bride. What I don’t understand is why Damian is doing it. He is a great writer and broadcaster and had made decent living out of it. He was a true believer in Brown and must despise everything that Corbyn and Milne stand for. All very odd. But keep a very careful eye on the Labour press operation.

I have been trying to fathom what moment of madness caused Osborne and Morgan to launch a plan to academise all schools. It was a bit like realising that rather a lot of people like pink cars and coming up with the wheeze to make it compulsory that all cars will from now on be pink. I always thought the centre piece of Conservative education policy was giving parents choice. This strange aberration was doomed from the start. But surely there must be somebody looking at policy and weeding out the turkeys? Well, if there isn’t there bloody well should be.

Now a man that could do with the services of Spinny McSpinface is Sir Philip Green. As a rule of thumb if you have trousered £400 million out a company whose pension fund is in serious deficit it is not a good idea to bully, threaten and swear at reporters. But if you are being summoned to a Select committee it is a very bad idea to suggest that they are all a bunch of dickheads even if they are. And it is suicidal to attack Frank Field, who has forgotten more about pensions than most experts know and is revered as a cross between Mother Theresa and the Princess of Wales. Now I appreciate that humility and Sir Philip are not natural bedfellows and that he is a self made man who worships his creator. The sort of chap if offered a blow job from a pneumatic nymfette would probably spit out his cigar and bark," but what’s in it for me?". So Phil old son, a word of advice. Ooze deference, humility, remorse and dig very deep into your wallet. However, there is a precedent for dealing with arrogant tossers. It is called contempt of Parliament. The last time this little ceremony happened was when John Junor, editor of the Sunday Express was called to the bar of the House on his knees to purge the contempt of writing that MPs were abusing this petrol rations. As if! Nowadays this is generally regarded as too degrading and humiliating an exercise. I think that we could just make an exception. Sir Philip seems such a nice chap. There are so many ways to skin a prat.

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Bozo's sly racism disqualifies him from public office

23 Apr 2016 at 16:14

The more the Brexiteers edge closer to defeat the uglier this unseemly debate becomes. Well ‘debate’ rather glorifies the primal screams of an Orc army in retreat. It’s slash and burn. Not since the Goths invaded Rome have we witnessed such pointless destruction. And Johnson’s sly racism about Obama was about as low and verminous as any Good Ol Boy in the Deep South sipping a mint julep in the nineteen sixties. I really didn’t think that in this day and age a senior Conservative politician could stoop so low. So far the only support he has received came from Nigel Farage. If this hasn’t disqualified him from a Cabinet post I don’t know what will. It was not just personally insulting to our closest ally but it demeaned the Conservative party. It made us look like Trumpian tea partyers. Well, not in my name. That bloody man doesn’t speak for me nor the vast majority of decent Tories. If he wants to turn British politics into some ghastly reality show so be it. But don’t expect people like me to watch it. His comments could be borderline forgivable if they were off the cuff. Oh no, this was just another carefully timed stunt designed to have the maximum impact. Well, he succeeded in that; but not in the way he planned. I imagine that those who were begging him to lead the OUT campaign are beginning to realise that Johnson has become a colossal liability. When are the party faithful going to realise that this grubby little opportunist is not fit for public office of any sort? I dread to think what he will do for an encore. I suspect that in the week before the vote he will launch a deeply personal attack on Cameron. This despicable little man is nothing short of a political pariah and should be treated as such. The sooner he buggers off to UKIP the better. There is no place for him in the Conservative Party anymore.

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Mr. Gove meets Dr. Freud

20 Apr 2016 at 10:22

The Brexit campaign is getting more bizarre by the day. It is as if the Brextards are living in a parallel universe or bewitched by some mass hallucination. They just ignore the evidence rather than try and counter it. The Treasury produced a 200 page warning that to leave the EU would lead to a reduction in growth. ‘Disgusting…….misleading……biased…..flawed model.’ Ok, but the LSE, IFS, IMF, PWc and the Bank of England come to a similar conclusion. ‘Rubbish’. All the finance ministers of the G20 and every world leader with the exception of Putin warn that there would be dire economic consequences. ‘A conspiracy, they are all in it together’. And as for President Obama? Well, he is a ‘hypocrite’. The CBI and small businesses have warned that there will be job losses. ’That’s not representative of businesses’. So we produce a survey showing that 80% of businesses large and small are against Brexit. ‘Not what they really think’. The NFU warn that farm incomes would plummet. ’That’s not case’. The financial services industry have warned of serious consequences. ‘They would wouldn’t they?………and you can’t trust the banks.’ This list is not exhaustive. But there is a pattern of the Brextards just putting their fingers in their ears and singing la la la la every time an unfavourable piece of evidence is presented.

“Now Mr Gove plees make vourself comfortable on mein couch”.
“Yes, Dr Freud”.
“Now tell me about this giant pink bunny that appears before you”.
" It’s terrible. It’s enormous. It has yellow fangs, horribly sharp claws and tries to eat me. It’s called Juncker. Oh, God it’s here now. Arrgh! Get off you bastard".
“Calm down Mr. Gove there zer is no bunny in zis woom, just you and me”.
“Arrgh, it’s coming for me now. Those fangs, those claws. Help me!!!!!!!!!!”
" Look into mein eyes Mr. Gove. You are sooooo sleepy, sloooo sleepy. When I click mein fingers you will awake and never see zis pink bunny again. Click. Now Mr Gove what do you see now?"
“Arrgh, fuck off you bastard. Oh, God now it’s going for my bollocks”.
“I am so sorry Mr. Gove your delusion is more serious than I thought. I will refer you to one of mein colleagues in Bosnia”.

“Today on Daily politics I have Boris Johnson who yesterday made a speech saying that the world is flat”.
“Only two weeks ago you made a speech saying that the world is round. How do you explain these two contradictory views?”
“Piffle upon waffle, skullduggerydook, BBC bias. No point of being in the bloody circus if you can’t ride two horses at once”.
“But NASA scientists assure us that all the evidence the the world is actually round.”
“Typical American boffindoodledo. Totally out of touch with reality. And this has nothing, repeat, nothing to do with these leftie, commie lies about my quest for flat world domination. Further I did not have sex with that woman. Er, well um, not for a while anyway. Cripes, perhaps yesterday. Why are you asking me all these personal questions? Typical of the British Bolchevic Company. Biased bastards, BBcrookery”.

“This morning on Marr we have Mr Peter Bone a life long creationist who sincerely believes that the earth is a mere four thousand years old. Mr. Bone what evidence do yo have of this?”
“You must be joking. It’s in the bible. It’s common sense. Those fossils of so called dinosaurs millions of year old are fakes put there by the posh, private school elite who don’t give a damn about the horny handed sons of the soil. My constituents agree with me. Not a day goes by without an old lady coming to me in tears saying she can’t take any more of these people telling her that God didn’t make the earth in six days and bunked off for a pint with that nice Mr.Farage down the dog and duck. Anyhow I’m speaking to God all the time. Lovely fellow. Very English”.

“And finally, Nadine Dorries, when did you say that you were abducted by aliens?…………”

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Yesterday the jovial bonhomie mask slipped and we saw Boris the media bashing bully

16 Apr 2016 at 10:10

Like Heinz there are all varieties of MPs. Bores (good morning Bill). Sycophantic arse licking nonentities who will sell their granny for a red box (keep trying Messrs Mak and Ellis, one day…..). Good guys ( ah, Mr. Halfon). And insufferable partisan shits. Well, there are a quite a few of those. But I want to welcome a newcomer to that pantheon of shittery. Arise Mr Neil Coyle. Yes, I know, I had to look him up too. It appears that he is the new Labour MP for Southwark. Young Coyle wants to to make a name for himself with the whips. So yesterday he crawled briefly out of the sewer to report John Whittingdale to some Parliamentary watch dog for failing to declare that he took his then partner (the whippy one) on a trip which cost his hosts £534. Good God the wickedness of it. Drum him out. Make him resign. Humiliate him some more. And no doubt Coyle is very pleased with himself. He probably got a paragraph in his local paper. But when he slips into the tea room he would have confirmed his colleagues secret suspicion that he is a bit of a tosser.

Coyle has broken a sacred convention. Don’t attack the good guys of whatever party particularly when they are down on their luck. And Whitto is one of the good guys. He is straightforward, honest, has a great sense of humour and is very clubbable. He also a rather good minister.

When I first heard about the dopey Byline story I asked a number of my old hard, bitten, cynical, journo friends if there was anything in the conspiracy theory. To a man and woman they came to the conclusion that they didn’t give a damn about what Whitto was up to in the bedroom and that the theory that Leveson would be watered down in return for the press burying the slap and tickle story was just the work an over active imagination, sloppy journalism and the eye watering hypocrisy of those precious, pious creeps at Hacked Off. They were right.

And talking about eye watering hypocrisy it’s time to revisit the latest antics of Bozo. He really is becoming as cynical and opportunistic as Trump. It is as if they are morphing into some bottle blond political blancmange.The latest ruse is to promise more money for the health service with the money we will get back from Brussels if we do a runner. Well, it’s not going to be an awful lot. We pay out net £10.6 billion a year which in the grand scheme of things is fairly small. If we were OUT, £3.6 billion would have to be paid to the farmers in agriculture support, grants to hospitals, universities and regional funds would have to be maintained and we haven’t even started thinking about how much we would have to pay for the privilege of remaining in the Single Market. But it is not the economic illiteracy which borders on the laughable, what I find so sickening is the hypocrisy of jumping on board the NHS bandwagon when so many the Brextards are its sworn enemies. That scary little man called Hannan tops the list and Mathew Elliot has even set out a menu of charges. £20 to see the GP, and a daily rate for hospital stays of £20. And as popular with Joe Public as a cup of cold sick.

But Bozo himself is not without form for being an enemy of a free health service. “If NHS services continue to be free in this way they will continue to be abused like any free service”. And, “if people have to pay for them they will value them more”. The problem is that he writes or says anything that he thinks will attract attention and transient popularity. Then some aide points out that it was toxic, untrue, dangerous or barking mad and there is the squeal of breaks and the smell of burning rubber as another U turn is performed. It is then usually followed by a denial, a misunderstanding, a quote out of context or the bias of whatever news outlet caught him out on his latest whopper.

But yesterday something pivotal happened. He was making a speech whereby he claimed that Cameron and chums were the Rattners of the REMAIN argument, in other words crap. Pretty explosive stuff. This sort of comment, if made by a REMAINER would have led to howls of outrage. But it was what happened next that sent a sinister chill down my spine. Bozo spotted the splendid Michael Crick doing a live piece to camera in the hall. Crick is despised by politicians with something to hide because he is so tenacious. The reaction was almost Trumpian. “Shut up. Can someone interrupt Crick at the back there”. And some goon did. At last the mask of jovial bonhomie momentarily slipped and we saw Boris the bully and media basher in Panzer mode. It was as revealing as it was Gothic. I wonder if this is the moment that the media finally falls out of love with him.

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Camhaven is just an excuse for the Brextards to twist the knife cheered on by the tax havened press

10 Apr 2016 at 10:30

What a disgrace that the Prime Minister is a wealthy man. How disgusting that his mother gifted him £200,000. And what a dodge if she has the audacity to live a few more years allowing him to escape paying tax. Whipping, flogging and decapitation is too good for him. Let’s hound him out of office. Let’s eradicate from history all mention of his name and wicked works. And (this is when the Cameron haters become particularly tumnescent) let’s install a true Conservative as leader. Sadly, the Amish wing of the party cheered on by the tax havened right wing press, have pressed the self destruct button.

Can’t someone just throw a bucket of cold water on them? Don’t they see that they are making wounds that are so deep and gangrenous that they can never be healed? This ridiculous Camhaven witch hunt has nothing to do with tax and every thing to do with Brexit. It’s the same old playbook. Discredit the man and you discredit his message. Osborne will be next. “There are questions that need to be answered” will become the next line of attack. One by one the Brextards will be picking off each member of the cabinet. This will run and run. What is so revealing is that any sense of reason has been replaced by the red mist of revenge. Any sense of logic has been replaced by the Brextard anthem, IT’S SO UNFAIR. Everything is unfair. That traitor the governor of the Bank of England. The CBI. The finance ministers of the G20. And now that bastard Cameron is using £9 MILLION OF TAXPAYERS MONEY TO PROMOTE HIS FILTHY PRO BRUSSELS LIES!!!!!! So let’s vote down the finance bill. Let’s wreck the government. Let’s do ANYTHING TO GET US OUT OF THE VILE UNDEMOCRATIC BLOOD SUCKING EU.

The awful thing is that this is not satire. It is the warped logic of the Brextards. Take Peter Bone. The other day he urged the government to ignore EU law ‘because we’ll be out of it on the 24June’. And the poor old fruit loop actually believes it. So who on the right is going to have the courage to hold up a hand and warn them that this has to stop? Boris won’t; he’s as happy as a pig in shit. May? She is unfairly regarded as a traitor. Probably the only one with the clout and respect is Gove. But he better get a move on. The Conservative party is ablaze and the kids are chucking petrol on it. If this continues for much longer there will be nothing left. These are desperate times.

And who benefits from this self immolation? Probably the the most authoritarian cult of humourless, heartless and dangerous politicians this country has seen in a generation. The Corbynistas. Some will just raise their eyes heavenwards at the thought that they could be in power. That is a colossal arrogance. Don’t these people read the opinion polls or don’t they care? Camhaven is meat and drink for the far left. The Tories are portrayed as filthy rich out of touchers who don’t give a toss about the hard working poor. It’s a lie, but it will stick unless the Cameron haters pull back from the brink. For the first time in my life I am beginning to fear that the Tories will destroy themselves and open the door for an authoritarian socialist government. I hope that I am wrong.

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The truth about Blairmore Holdings

6 Apr 2016 at 09:53

Politics can be a dirty business. But nothing angers me more when a dead relative in prayed in aid. The smear on Ian Cameron is a disgrace. The idea is to suggest that Blairmore Holdings is somehow connected to tax avoidance and dictators who have plundered their people. The whiff is of .general sleazyness. This means that David Cameron ‘has questions to answer’. Today I can tell you the truth about Blairmore Holdings. Not from any contact in Number 10 nor any friend of Cameron, but an old friend who is one of the leading tax specialists in London. This is not his opinion, it is a set of facts. This is what he texted me. I put it in direct quotes to show that I am not putting a personal spin on it.

“Blairmore Holdings was a perfectly legitimate offshore investment fund. It’s underlying investments were very largely if not exclusively non UK. The fund was registered with the UK revenue as a ‘distributer fund’ which meant that it had to pay out to investors at least 85% of its income each year. The investors would be liable to UK income tax on those payments if UK resident. Equally, if they sold their investment they would be liable to capital gains tax”

So we know that the fund was legitimate. Question one. Was Ian Cameron a UK resident? Yes. Was David Cameron a UK resident? Yes. This really is a no brainer. Their can be nor could have been any possible tax be benefit under this fund for the Camerons. End of story.

But it won’t be. The press are now suggesting some sort of cover up. That this is embarrassing for the Prime Minister. “Put up or shut up” scream the headlines. It is utter bollocks. Even the hopeless Corbyn has latched onto this as some sort of life raft. But it was sinking even before he even stumbled aboard. To piously suggest that MPs should publish their tax returns is ridiculous, unfair and a terrible breach of privacy. To suggest that British Dependencies who run perfectly legal tax havens should be brought under direct rule is authoritarian and dangerous. And probably constitutionally impossible. Like Rhodesia they could claim UDI.

We must clamp down on tax evasion and aggressive tax avoidance and no government is more committed to this not just in words but in deeds. Yes the Panama revelations are deeply damaging. But to dictators, despots and hypocrites. Not to the Camerons. To drag the good name (and it is a good name) of Ian Cameron through the muck of party politics, someone who cannot defend himself beyond the grave, is beneath contempt. Oh, and a Jewish mate of mine recently reminded me what the Yiddish word for disaster is. Chorbyn. Too bloody right.

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Javid is guilty of criminal political negligence. He must clear up his own mess. But send for Hezza

2 Apr 2016 at 08:03

It is pointless, counterproductive, waste of time for a Prime Minister to attempt to micro manage his cabinet. It always ends in tears. It is remarkable that anyone wants to be leader of the Tory Party. It is like a scene from Shaun of the Dead where zombies roam the streets biting and infecting members of the public. A few manage to hole up in a local pub, but the Zombie hordes descend on the place whilst our heroes think of new ways of lopping off their heads and and the parts of their bodies that slow them down. So we REMAINERS are holed up in the pub and trying to protect backbenchers from being bitten by Cash, Redwood, Bozo and anyone with a bone in their name.

Well, last week David Cameron hopped out of the back door of the Bonkers Arms and escaped from the blood, gore and general insanity with his family for a few days in the sun. What could go wrong? The Labour Party is more interested in drawing up punishment lists, the collectivisation of our farms and tractor production in East Cheam than winning elections. And what is the point of elections anyway? The workers have been brainwashed by Murdoch and the Zionist media so democracy is a myth. It is purity of argument that matters. We will fight them in the twitter zone, on Facebook and Whatsapp. There will be no surrender.

So a few days of sun and Sangria would do just the trick. Until an aide rushes over with a mobile phone. “It’s the cabinet secretary sir, I’ve put him on your tastefully patriotic bling earphones”.
“What’s the problem Jezza?”
“It’s Javid sir, he seems to have disappeared”.
“Sounds rather good news to me.”
“But he’s gone to Australia”.
“Sounds even better”.
“But Prime Minister he is going on a freebie with his daughter at a time when TATA are about to close Port Talbot steel works. Stephen Kinnock is all over the media like a rash and has travelled to India”.
“Jesus. What about Soubry?”
“All over the shop I’m afraid. Seems to think we will nationalise it”.
“Get him on the phone now. Tell him he is in deep shit and order him home. Oh, and tell the twat that he has got to grow some balls and get his arse down to Port Talbot and look the poor sods in the eye.”

And this is how a crisis can turn into a catastrophe. You expect your ministers, particularly the ones with delusions of grandeur, to have a bit of common sense. Ministers have been working really hard behind the scenes to help TATA offload the steel works and save jobs the last 19 months. They have persuaded the EU to put in 37 anti dumping measures and 16 against China. But there are two inescapable truths. How do you deal with world steel over production? And how do you punish China without starting a trade war where we will come out worse? But this is not the image that the public will see. Their perception is of a government that doesn’t care. Who are heartless. Who would prop up the banks but not the livelihoods of thousands of hard working men and women. At a time when the Tories are winning seats in Wales and just before the May election. This is criminal negligence by Javid. It fails the fundamental rule of politics. The Daily Mail Test.

He will no doubt tell us that there would be nothing he could do. That government is working hard behind the scenes. Both are true. Being seen to be on a jolly when thousands of jobs are in the balance shows he has minimal political radar, no judgement and is unfit for high office. This was his chance to shine. His chance to show that he is a big beast. He has failed miserably.

But he should not be sacked. It would be a scalp for the press. His must be the ultimate punishment. He must clean up this mess and reassure the people of Wales that government are working night and day to protect their communities. Yet I fear that it will mean the closure of Port Talbot. This is a job for a big beast. Send for Hezza.

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